I'm sure you've all heard of this series (It is going to be a 'major motion picture' within the next year after all)...some of you are probably fans too.

Twilight

(Shudders) I swear...Meyer and Paolini...what am I to do with you both.

Now to be honest, I've only read sporkings of the book (Unlike with Eragon and Eldest where I actually bought both and slugged through them...complete waste of time and money. However, I plan to steal Hannah's copy of it when school gets back in and read the first five chapters. Usually the first chapter is shit so you have to give it more of a chance...but from what I've seen I doubt I'll even make it that far)

Still...from the sporkings and summaries of it that I've seen...I can still reasonably argue against the series.

First: WHY the fuck is this book so famous? I've seen countless vampire romance trash on the Sci-Fi/Fantasy shelves at Border's and Barnes and Noble...but what makes this one (Out of countless others just like it) 'speshul'?

Two: Everyone and their mother complains about Bella (AKA: Protagonist of the Year) being a Mary Sue with no character...and yet they still love the book.

I guess it's because it has a hot vampire in it (But like I mentioned above...there are plenty of other stories that have hot guys who suck blood...and suck as characters, so why is Edward Cullen the exception?)

Three: What is so special about vampires in general? I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem like Meyer changed anything...she basically said that all the myths were false (Which I've seen in many other stories...) but they still have inhuman strength, can read minds, suck blood, and in the case of Alice 'redict' the future.

I've never been one for vampires BECAUSE they are so overdone that they are cliched...well at least the idea and portrayal of them has become that way. Most vamps are either whining about being human, or they resist sucking blood, etc....they are basically all whiny little goths.

To be honest, the only vampire I've ever liked is Dracula (Yes, from the original way back when) and then his future self, Alucard. NOW THERE BE SOME FUCKIN VAMPS!

The reasoning behind this bias: they don't act HUMAN. Vampires are supposed to be a completely different species, but almost every story I've seen has them acting human, wanting to be human, falling in love with humans, etc...Dracula and Alucard show and admit that they are monsters (and proud of it!) and revel in the quirks of a vampire (but without being full of themselves) They want a challenge and they fail to understand human emotions and customs...in other words: EPIC WIN!

Cullen: FAIL

Apparently he and his family eat animals instead of humans and they all try to live normal productive lives...HOW THE HELL HAS SOMEONE NOT NOTICED THAT THESE PEOPLE HAVEN'T DIED YET!!? I mean Edward was supposedly over a hundred...and his dad like three centuries...but they all have jobs and go to school and such so they are registered as citizens and such...I just don't get how they have managed to sneak by for so long without someone noticing something.

Even in Chibi Vampire, Karin's family did not have jobs nor did they go out that much save for blood. Only Karin actually went out, was a real citizen, and was recognized by the public and she was born into vampism so she is only like...what was it, fourteen?

And why Forks, Washington? Why did they choose that place to settle down? Did they choose it because it's rainy (I.e. no sun) but that would be contradictory because Meyer already mentions that all the myths don't apply here (Save for the ones she deemed good enough for her crackpot novel)

Four: The 'epic' romance. Ok, we've already been told that Bella is a Sue (Reason being is that she is constantly described by homely...yet every male character hits on her. She also falls in love with Ed in the course of two days, never once freaks out about him being a blood-sucker, gets picked on by a popular girl, constantly needs to be helped or saved...yeah I'll stop right here) and that Edward is her 'true love'

Apparently Meyer's subtly didn't even get to page 27 (When Bella first sees him and swoons)

Now if Edward had 'glamour' THEN Meyer's could argue that Edward liked her and used that to seduce Bella...but the myths aren't used and besides...Ed doesn't like Bella at first. (Fake pouts) And he doesn't want human blood so Meyer has no excuse for this...

Despite what people think: we girls do not fall in love at first sight. We can see a guy and like him (Nice, friendly, hot, flirty, funny, etc...there are plenty of reasons to be attracted to a guy...but to fall in LOVE?)

I've been a fair relationship counselor for many girls at my school and I'm telling you...the only kinds of 'true love at first sight' relationships lasted less than a week.

This was my experience as a RC in middle school as well...

Even three weeks is not enough time to get to know someone enough to fall in love...maybe to have a puppy crush and to be more attracted (I do believe in attraction at first sight...but that's different) but to want to spend the rest of your life with them? To know that you would be perfect to live together (One of the many challenges most couples face is that they are just not compatible in the same living quarters...)

Nothing is wrong with dreaming.

I dunno...I guess that is because I define love as devotion. You want them to always be involved in your life, you want to support them in their goals and dreams...you want them to be happy and smile. It's more of a selfless act in my eyes than one for self. You think about them and not of yourself and put them first because they are that important to you. You need them, but you don't think about that need because it's subconcious.

(Coughs) Well, least that's my way to viewing love...I doubt that many people agree with those sentiments, but just thought I would put that out there. (This is probably why I hate chick flicks and everything involving romance...it's never done the way I think of love so it seems crappy and fake)

Actually...I think the only fictional heterosexual couple I've ever liked was RonxHermione. They were friends at first, their arguments increased as well as the tension in their relationship...it was all vair subtle and yet believable. No, it wasn't a surprise when they got together in the end, but it was rational...these people had been friends and together for so long that they knew each other and got on each other's nerves..but also had the desire to go and make-up afterwards because they were important to each other.

Five: It's been quoted by Meyer that the apple on the cover of the book represents the forbidden fruit from the book of Genesis and symbolizes Bella's knowledge of good and evil. WTF!?

Ok, now one, the cover is pretty obvious symbolism...anytime there is a red apple (and only one) in the hands of a human, the first logical image is that of Adam and Eve...but what the fuck does the knowledge of 'good and evil' have to do with this story?

The story is basically a girl who meets a vampire, falls in love with him in a chapter, then after meaningless chapters of bonding, another vamp comes in after her blood and her true love saves her from his clutches.

How is that a comparison of good and evil from Genesis? I mean that statement of Meyer's make it sound like Bella has to choose between the two (Likening her to Eve)...but she never had a choice to make because she was in lurve with Ed.

This comparison makes NO sense whatsoever in the terms that Meyer has likened it to.

Six: Apparently, critics LOVED this book.

Yeah...this makes no sense to me since the hero is a MS, the love interest's sex appeal is the focus of the story and Miss Bella Swan's life (Yeah, I thought of PoTC too when I heard that), and that the overall twist on vamps is no twist at all!

I really should become a critic...with all these rants, I'd be damn good at my job!

But that also means I would have to slug through awful books like this one for a living...T-T I don't think I could handle that.

One of the reasons the critics liked it was supposedly it has a lot of realistic teenage sexual tension...

Sorry, but I've seen better books with better sexual tension than this one (Coughsxcatcherintheryexcoughs)

The reason why I feel this book FAILS at depicting teenagers...

For one, they talk like they are from the beginning of the last century...they use a lot of sarcasm, but it's dry and feels like it's something out of an old British soap-opera.

Two: They are constantly spouting off cheesy lines about how much they love each other...I'm sorry, but even the two longest lasting couples in the school don't go and shoot the cheese like that. A simple 'I love you' sounds better than 'I'll love you forever' and other forms of snore-bore lines snipped from 'The Heavy Heart's Guide to Romance'

Whatever...someone needs to fire these people.

Here is the wikipedia page for the book and it's sequel: [link])
[link]

Ok...now to the next part of my rant (Mostly about New Moon)

WHY THE FUCK IS THIS GIRL SO SPECIAL!? I mean seriously...everyone and their mum is going out of their way to protect her...I mean seriously!

Take Harry Potter for example: Everyone protected him because he had saved them all once...they were grateful. Then he was also supposed to save them all again so of course they are gonna keep him from dying beforehand. And the biggest one of all: HE WAS THEIR FRIEND! He constantly worked with people, fought, made up, talked, etc with everyone who worked with him...Now while I hated HBP and DH, everyone protecting Harry after all he went through in the other five books is a logical motion. It makes SENSE.

Now Bella for example: She constantly needs saving and never returns the favor, Hardly has another sort of relationship (friendship or otherwise) with anyone other than Edward...and she never does anything really for anyone else...

So why is everyone going out of their way to protect her? I mean even the Cullen family shouldn't be going so far out of their way...what just because their son likes a girl, they should suddenly risk everything they have to make sure the dumb girl doesn't get herself killed?

(Bangs head against coffin)

Also in New Moon, the name (which means the darkest part of the Moon's cycle) refers to this being the darkest part of Bella's life.

Ok...so then why is there going to be another book if the worst is over then? If this is the darkest part than what more can the reader expect or hope for? A happy ending I guess (Bleh)

And damn...I thought that the title meant something about...I dunno...Jacob being a friggin WEREWOLF!

Yup, this book adds werewolves to the picture...

I really don't get how these people were able to stay so well hidden from the rest of society...stupid Bella manages to discover their secret in...less than a month!

Yeah and that makes PERFECT sense....

I guess the last part I can bitch about from the summary is the ending...Ok so if she is all about this guy, has constantly said "I will love you forever" and all this other stuff...why is she so afraid of marrying him? She wasn't afraid of him being a vamp...or his family and she even wants to become a vampire like him...but she is not cool with marriage.

I'm sorry, but once you make your character say lines like that...you cannot just backtrack and say "Wait! I'm not ready for commitment! I've just told you that I'd stay with you forever for the millionth time and I even want to become a vampire for you...but I can't marry you!"

You cannot go back because it makes no logical sense.

Well...I guess those are my reasons for this series not deserving its fame, fans, and fortune...and movie debut.

At least Paolini gets some credit for having his characters have more things important than romance in their lives...geez...